Why Is Wanting A Bad Thing?
You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
I am a man.
More precisely, I am a “guy”. Which is a shorthand for saying that I do a number of things which I really should not do, but which I do because…well…that is what “guys” do.
When I see a beautiful woman walk by, I will stop and notice her. I hopefully have the good sense not to be obvious and creepy about it, but I notice. I look.
Why? Because I’m a “guy”! Guys notice beautiful women. That’s what we do, isn’t it? It certainly is what I do.
Why is that a bad thing?
What harm is done by admiring a beautiful woman?
Who among us does not appreciate beauty? Who among us does not enjoy gazing upon beautiful things—be they women, or puppies, or kittens, or even sunsets?
Except…women are not “things”. People are not things. People are not objects. People certainly are not objects to be used for another’s gratification, physical or otherwise.
When I gaze upon a beautiful woman, am I seeing her as a human being? Am I apprehending the whole of who she is? Am I aware of her hopes and dreams, her talents, her virtues as well as her vices?
Probably not.
Am I pausing to reflect that she does have hopes and dreams, talents, and virtues as well as vices?
Probably not. Okay, definitely not!
If I am feeling the pull of physical desire, am I thinking at all of anything beyond my own pleasure?
No. I am not.
In that moment of lust the only thing on my mind is my own pleasure. That is the nature of lust. That is the meaning of lust—to have an intense craving or desire that threatens to overwhelm not only other passions but also common sense.
If I let my eyes wander over an attractive woman, in that moment my thoughts are really about myself. I am thinking only of what I want, without regard to anyone else.
I certainly am not thinking about whether or not she wants that sort of attention!
I am also not thinking about whether or not she might already be in a relationship with someone else—and that is definitely inviting trouble. We quite rightly do not look kindly on infidelity and people who cheat in their relationships—or the people who get involved with cheaters.
We do not admire such people. We do not respect such people.
Consider what it is to be unfaithful to one’s partner. No matter how troubled a relationship might be, infidelity is by definition seeking a measure of gratification, perhaps of comfort, outside the boundaries of that relationship. Infidelity means doing that which one has committed never to do. It is a violation of trust, and it is a breach of faith.
Infidelity necessarily means thinking only of yourself and not of anyone else.
Infidelity necessarily means seeking gratification from another human being.
Remember, people are not things. People are not objects. People certainly are not objects to be used for another’s gratification, physical or otherwise.
Does the unfaithful spouse or partner forget this? Almost certainly they do.
Does the person looking lustfully upon another also forget this? Arguably they do as well.
Does the person who treats anyone with disdain or disrespect also forget this? I would say that, yes, they do.
It is okay that we we forget this? Of course not. It’s never okay.
We should always be mindful of each other’s humanity. We should always remember that people are not things. We should always remember that people are not objects. We should always remember that people certainly are not objects to be used for another’s gratification, physical or otherwise.
However, the sobering reality of our existence is that, time and again, we will forget this. We will make the mistake—we will commit the sin—of putting our wants, our desires, perhaps even our needs, above those to whom we are committed.
We will forget that people are not things. We will forget that people are not objects. We will forget that people certainly are not objects to be used for another’s gratification, physical or otherwise.
Why? Because we are human. Because we are imperfect. Because we are sinners—and this is what sinners do.
Excellent piece Peter, I would urge the addition of "yes we are sinners and will sin, but we are called to and expected to repent, sincerely ask for forgiveness and guidance and understanding that along with our urges, wants and needs, God also gave us grace, discernment, shame and self control to help us move away from and past sin.
I've had buddies say, "I know it's wrong but I just can't help it, she's hot, look at her XYZ and those LMNOPs, how am I supposed to not leer???"
To which I ask, "ever find it hard not to use the F-bomb in front of your mother, grandmother, daughter or wife???" If not why, your a sinner right, you use it all other times, so why would those time be any different??
Peter, I'm going to take the liberty of leaving this video here, in case someone needs to see and hear it. One of the best teachings on Lust and it's modern day trap, porn. It closes the loop on your note and explains why we can't just stop at saying we are sinners. His sermon starts at 1:01:22, after the choir and housekeeping items. Remember the message is the important thing, not the messenger, although I think he's pretty good.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sI7LBdRFOk&t=3680s
Two second rule. Look any longer than two seconds it becomes lust and thus infidelity.